i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
