I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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