Your dad touched me again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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