I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
