I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize