Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
