Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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