she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
