Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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