Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
vagina is talking i cant
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
