How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
