That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
whose ass print is on the piano?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize