Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
