How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
