Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
