Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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