I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
