Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
