We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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