i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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