I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
