so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
