Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
