Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is the high leading the old right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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