Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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