my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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