the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
