Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
