That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
