Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
