bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
