I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
