Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
