It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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