you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
