And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
