Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
