just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
