we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
