how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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