I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
