he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
