found the other keg... it's in the tree
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
