i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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