I just saw a hot homeless man
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
