evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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