I want to have your abortion
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
