dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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