My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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