i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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