Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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