just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
