today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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