Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
