Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
