I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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