you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
