I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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