You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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