if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
