can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
